Category Archives: Kids

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Kids, Racism/Diversity

How police killings of unarmed blacks affect us

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They directly impact both our mental health
as well as our physical health

Have you, like so many black parents and
helping professionals, been wondering what impact
these killings of our brothers and sisters are having
on us and our children?

It affects their health, both
emotional and physical. It’s no coincidence that our
communities have disproportionate levels of heart
disease, hypertension, diabetes and addictions. But
when you see the statistics, it is startling.

A report published in the British medical journal,
The Lancet, validates the negative impact of police
killings of unarmed blacks on black people in the
states in which they happened. The inter-
national response to George Floyd’s death shows
that there has been a measurable impact around
the world. It is validating to realize that people
all over the world have been touched by what
has been going on here in the States.

The mental health of white Americans was not
similarly affected by killings of unarmed blacks,
the researchers found. Nor were negative health
effects associated with police killings of unarmed
white Americans or armed black Americans.

The study, which looked at survey data and
examined a database of police killings, noted that
white Americans were not affected similarly.
They also found that killings of armed black
Americans or unarmed white people did not
seem to generate negative health effects.

While we are seeing the increase in violent crime
with the emergence of the pandemic, data tracking
of police killings of blacks found no correlation with
local crime rates. It is more likely that a firearm
and implicit bias don’t belong together but anti-
racism training and more progressive policing
methods do.

Current News, Kids

Here’s 5 more ways to help kids get stronger during the pandemic

Putting fear into perspective can help your child
learn how to control their fears & anxieties going forward. This weird COVID experience can serve
as a practice run, in which we teach courage and
skills for tackling future life challenges.

“In the absence of our comments on the constant
stream of COVID warnings, their child-sized worry
systems take over.”

Our TVs blare the numbers: “Over 800,000 Americans
have now died from COVID-19″, “The dangerous new
variant is bearing down on us as we approach the
holidays”.


These warnings get our kids’ attention. For some kids,
it hangs low in their thoughts. They worry and in the
absence of our failing to combat this stream of constant
warnings, their child-sized worry systems take over.
It may show up as whining, resistance or daydreaming.

They worry if they or you will get COVID. Will they lose
you? Will they die? They may shrink from contact with
others or use magical thinking to fight off their fears.
Although “child-sized” makes you think of something
small, when it comes to emotions, childhood fears always
loom bigger than life .

If you have lost family members or close friends to
COVID, have you had the time to sit and talk with your
kids about it? Do you have ways to help them process
loss?

This is a good time to firm up your child’s sense of
security. Let’s talk about the ways their physical
environment can be structured to help them feel
anchored. Try starting with these routines.

  1. Put off making any major changes in their rooms.
    Keep some basic things in place while letting them
    be somewhat creative in making necessary changes.
    For example, keep the room color the same but let
    them change other things. Or let them choose new
    furniture or arrange the furniture differently, but keep
    everything else consistent.
  2. Keep to daily routines, i.e., meals at the same times,
    at the table together. Have daily schedules so that
    they know what to expect and what you expect of them-
    and when. Bed times, TV times, homework time can all
    provide an invisible frame for their lives that make
    them feel secure.
  3. Set aside individual time – 20-30 minutes (daily, if
    you can, but at least 3x week) for them to sit down
    with you to tell you what’s on their minds. They should
    be your only focus at these times and each child
    treasures their time alone with you. No phone, no TV.
    This is an investment that will pay off well in the long run.
  4. Create rituals to mark important passages and
    events like the holidays, as well as the loss of family
    members. Rituals can provide them with an opportunity
    to express their feelings about a one time event.
    Family game or movie nights can provide weekly
    bonding times that form the glue for your family
    relationship. Other rituals, like graduation, sweet
    16s and birthdays celebrate their successful
    passage through stages in their lives. Perform
    these rituals equally for each child.
  5. Keep a “Gratitude Journal” as a family, centering
    the family’s joint accomplishments. Your first home,
    the birth of a sibling, your new pet, your first game
    night or your shared attendance at a child’s sports
    event.


Kids, Lifestyle

How to help your black child deal with the pandemic

Suicide rates and risks for black children are rapidly rising during the isolation of the pandemic. Here’s 5 things you can do to help your child manage this time in a healthy way

These habits form anchors that will help your child feel secure in a time of uncertainty and disconnection.

  1. Help your child come up with a daily affirmation to remind her or him of what’s great about themselves. For example, if empathy is their strength, they might say to themselves, “I am Correctly Caring. I enjoy being kind to others.” Or simply to associate their name with one of their great qualities, like “I am the Marvelous Marky!” or “I am Awesome Anika!”
  2. Spend 2 minutes in the morning to hold hands and say a prayer for the day. It can be a simple statement of intention like, “Today we will focus on learning one new thing that will help us grow and be wiser”. Then talk
    about it in the evening to help them become more aware of the value in each day.
  3. Put up a calendar for your child. Decide with them what you are going to track. Maybe finishing tasks, maybe good grades, maybe new ideas they’ve created. Mark those that your child has achieved over each week. As you continue to do this, your child can see a string of accomplishments. Maybe even have a monthly “Awards” ceremony!
    .
  4. Eat at least one meal together during which each child gets a few
    minutes to talk about whatever they would like you to listen to.
    You must not interrupt and you should express appreciation for their statements, whatever they are.
  5. Arrange for either outdoor or video play dates on a weekly basis. Some
    of these will be with other children but can also be with a grandparent
    or family friend. The video play date can include a movie, online game,
    dance exercise, shared online drawing, etc.

The underlying purpose is to give an underlying consistency to schedules and routines that are subject to change. For a child to know that each and every day counts as a new opportunity to achieve, to enjoy and to learn helps them see their purpose. Where they learn and with whom might change but what you have set up at home doesn’t have to. Kids also learn that while some days aren’t so great, there’s always good days to balance life out. We’ll add more later

Kids

When should you take your kid to therapy?

Most kids get into therapy because the school recommends it, but if you see signs that your
child is struggling, why wait?

Parenting is tough! You feel so responsible! And for situations over
which you have little real direct control. (Notice I said “direct”).
What do you do when your child is treated unfairly and feels
picked on? What if the parent-teacher conference starts feeling
painful to you? You don’t want to feel that the teacher is trying to
imply that you’re not doing your job, but you do. How in the world
can you get your child to do an hour of homework when you’re
exhausted yourself? You’re still having nightmares from when
you were struggling with it yourself.

Routinely, parents seek out therapy in these instances:

  • When your child is being bullied
  • When your child has or is being teased about gender identity issues
  • When your child won’t or can’t do their schoolwork
  • When your child is fighting and/or verbally aggressive at school
  • When your child is obviously sad, is anxious or avoids other kids
  • When your child refuses to attend school or is chronically late
  • If school staff worry about abuse or neglect
  • If your child has witnessed a traumatic event
  • When there is a family change from divorce or death or
    injustice
  • When your child exhibits strange and/or self-destructive
    behaviors
  • When you want to learn the best ways to strengthen or
    protect your child
  • When you want to break a cycle of behavior that you
    experienced in your family of origin
  • When your child’s drawings or statements imply that
    they want to hurt themselves or don’t want to live
Starting your child in therapy may require either
courage or desperation

You might be feeling a swirl of emotions when you realize
that you need to get your child into therapy. Like fear – what will
a therapist ask you? What will he or she ask your child?
Anger? Why are you put in this situation when you already
have so much on your plate? Being overwhelmed – How
will you find the time and will this cost money that you
don’t have? Don’t worry. While you will have to be persistent
to find a therapist, check out our pages on how to get
started. You’ll be on your way to finding someone who
will be pleased to take some of those burdens off your
shoulders.

Many of us became therapists as a result of our own experiences
growing up. We understand these situations. We also know and
have great faith in the possibilities of change. Sometimes it’s just
a simple or surprising change that can make all the difference
in the world. The need to ask for help doesn’t mean that you’re
going to just another person to be shown something that you feel
you should have seen. Therapists are trained to use a process
that allows them to share a number of methods that they
have learned and practiced. These methods are the result
of years of research and observations that we wish some-
one might have shared with our parents.

So, go ahead. Find out more so you can get started to make
you and your child’s life easier.

Kids

You go where you look…….

There was only one way down....
There was only one way down….

Years ago, the last time I went skiing, I found myself at the top of a mountain in Colorado —at the head of a black diamond (for experts only) trail. I was on the wrong trail! My ski skills are barely good enough for the bunny slope. Needless to say, I was filled with terror. How in God’s name was I going to get down in one piece? To make matters worse, the sky had turned deep gray, a fog had rolled in and the temperature had dropped.  A fellow student from the afternoon’s ski lesson was with me.  She was twenty years younger and a lot better skier. The slope in front of me was a steep vertical drop, covered in ice. The flat area we stood on was only eight feet narrow, dropping thirty feet into a brush filled ravine on the left and a rocky stream bed on the right.  With the next (occupied lift chair descending towards us, we had no choice but to push off the tiny landing pad.

I tried to remember every ski tip I had ever heard: bend knees, lean forward, tuck in elbows. I was terrified of both of my choices. If I lost control and sped to the left, I I could  visualize myself landing in the tops of the spiny trees with limbs piercing my body. Or my other choice, to the right, and then falling into the creek bed & into the icy water.  Flying along, on bumpy ice, the more I kept my eye on the ravine, the faster towards it I sped.  As I approached the edge, my friend yelled, “Look over here!”. As soon as I turned, she reminded me, “You ski where you look. Remember?! Look straight ahead!” My path changed. I stared ahead at a woman in a full length mink & hat posing on the plateau down ahead of us. (It was one of those black ski events.)  Anyway, guess where I “went”? And yes, she went down with me, fur a-flapping & cursing all the way.

Anyway, when I hear a mother saying to her three year old, “The police are gonna come get you” or “I’m calling the police on you” or “You’re gonna spend your life in jail”, it causes me to wonder if it narrows that child’s vision to some calamitous path. Does it steer that shape-ready genius, that each young child is,  towards seeing themselves in the waiting criminal justice system.  I know that the brain retains everything. Some things are kept right at the surface. Other ideas are stored in the unconscious.  Think about other mothers, who play subliminal tapes to their sleeping children. Tapes that say “You are going to become a doctor” or “You will be a famous athlete”.  The unconscious mind would store that, too.

If we ski where we look, as long as we maintain the “right form” to steady our balance, we can fly through the snow to a comfortable and exciting landing.  It helps if we are on a safe trail and we’ve been taught the “right form” that we’ve been able to practice.  In terms of skiing through life, and your kids envision their futures in the frames  we parents shape for them, how easy would it be to steer our kids toward the positive? They’re going to have some target in mind. Why not say, “Hey, kids! Look over here” and show them how great their futures might be? Don’t push it. It can’t be your direct order or your threat. It has to be your excitement and optimism that  sparks them to consider it – to put their eyes on it.  If we show kids our confidence in the positive possibilities rather  than the weakness of our  fears, they will fall under the magic of simply skiing toward the future that they  are keeping their eyes on.