Category Archives: Relationships

Tips on understanding & strengthening your relationships

One of the top reasons relationships last

Is there one habit that makes a difference in
whether relationships endure?

People are drawn to each other for all sorts of reasons.
There are plenty of books, pamphlets, websites, magazines
and perfumes that are read in hopes of finding some
secret attractant. Lots of classes that run the spectrum from
bible study to pole dancing. And yes, more hair has been
bought, more eyelashes and fingernails glued in hopes of
attracting a man who will stay around longer than the
hair or the nails.

And by the guys: more fancy cars, weight lifting and high protein
drinks, money flashing and Caribbean trips offered and
practicing sweet talk. In short, singles spend a lot of time
trying everything, to attract a partner that they hope will
stay. But a lasting relationship is created by the connection
between your “inner selves”. The fact that you find the same
activities to be interesting and are truly able to laugh about
the same things. That you can both push and praise your
partner to achieve their desired goals creates an effective
team.

None of the distractions or embellishments listed above
can hold a relationship together. There are several other
behaviors that can. In this post we will talk about one:
Having a mutual interest and activity that you both
enjoy on a regular basis together.

Among couples that have been together more than
twenty-five years and those who can see their way to
being together that long, partners light up when they
speak of common activities. It can be bowling or running,
cycling or video games, season football tickets or even
political campaigning – anything where they can plan
ahead regularly to have the activity to look forward to.

Some couples rely on regular cruises or other group
tours that give them novel places to discover. These
experiences give them memories to share and common
friendships that develop with other couples that they
travel with. They grow their network of friends and
that network reinforces their image of themselves as
a couple. The activities they do with married friends or
committed couples are geared towards “safe” fun that
won’t encourage flirting and other temptations that can
occur when surrounded by available singles.

So think about what interests you share with your
partner and find ways to build them into you quarterly
or monthly schedules. Punctuate those events with
annual trips for conferences, retreats, sports events
and family reunions. Have you always wanted to
learn to play golf? Do you have a wish to visit as
many islands as possible? Do you both love jazz
festivals or local theater? Being a couple shouldn’t
mean being bored and it shouldn’t be the end of
your exploring new things in life. Do it together.
It may be the “glue” that keeps you together.

What determines sanity

At the core of anyone’s sanity is the issue of knowing and recognizing the truth. Our recent political “situation” afforded us the opportunity to witness what happens when people with high visibility abandon the truth. As black people who have experienced constant racism, we know all too well that we are held to a stricter standard than our white brothers. Not only is the truth overlooked when it comes to us and not only is it crucial that we adhere to every tiny detail of situations in order to be able to defend our truths, but even after that, the truth is often overlooked, suppressed or shut down – when it comes to us. We are seeing how the dominant culture is bending, stretching and altering the dictionary in order to avoid calling dominant political figures  liars. If the previous president was not lying, then he may well be courting mental illness. Distorting the painful truth knowingly is lying. It is not “alternative fact” making, It is not avoidance of facts, it is lying.

However, when people knowingly lie like we are seeing – in counting crowds, in recounting other people’s reactions, in stating intentions to one group and then stating the opposite to another group. If it is not a fact, it is a lie. If it is a fact, we can all prove it. We can all attest to it. We can all agree to it. If it is not true, but is so painful that the person’s ego cannot stay intact and accept it, then we call it delusional. It is a mental health problem. It deserves compassion but with treatment, not with collusion.

What about if that previous president truly can’t see the truth? What about when someone’s brain filters out the real facts and replaces them with fiction that makes them feel better? Then that’s an altered reality and that’s a mental health problem. It is psychosis. It causes them to strike out against enemies that others don’t see. It causes them to harm others unfairly. By now, most blacks know that when unfairness gets handed out, it is usually aimed at us.

Why does it matter? The highest office in the land and any position of power, judgment or decision making which puts one human being in charge of or in control over another requires that person to be clear, accurate, temperate and an excellent decision maker with an understanding of the available options and their long term and wide ranging impacts. A person who does not read books, listen to the opinions of those with more knowledge than they, set limits on their own needs and advantages and who cannot see their own limitations and the gifts of others, is not the right person to lead others. We hold ourselves responsible to educate ourselves before we follow someone. It is embarrassing and concerning (to say the least) to watch a person careening towards disaster and taking a whole country with them.

From a position of compassion, it is understandable that for someone who has nothing to lose by putting themselves out there as the expert, the chief thinker, the “only one” who can help people with their situations,  they can only carry with them those who do not use their own discernment to make a sound choice for the people following them. You can often see people stuck in their childhoods at the point where their development was halted by trauma or great tumult. They are children in adult bodies.  They talk like children, make choices like children and react like children, but they may exercise the power of adults. Money only makes it easier to disguise their emotional delay. Language, mood and extremism reveals it.

When we witness someone out of control like this, it seems kind to give them the benefit of the doubt but we have a responsibility to those that we are individually responsible for, to make a choice that protects our own. We see this in abusive relationships, where the mother stays in a relationship and attempts to explain away her abusive, immature spouse’s rants and loss of control. She may feel sorry for him when he falls back into  his pitiful stance after ranting and expressing violence. She may make excuses and want to “give him another chance”. She may do this for years as her children are frightened into silence and lose the self esteem they need in order to recover from their exposure. They may lose respect for her as well as themselves.

Already, we hear people continuing to make excuses for that president.  The Women’s March on January 21st, 2017 proved that millions of people all over the world recognized that there was a problem in our American family. From their histories, ancestors, political experiences and intuition, they KNOW that what is happening in the United States right now is not normal. They recognize the lies and know that lies have meaning and create damage. They recognize that survival and peace is more important than race, than money and than advantage.

Just as you do with that mother who is afraid to leave and is perhaps addicted to being needed though abused, you can’t wait for her to realize her power. You can’t wait for her to see her value and the value of truth. You are so proud for her when she steps up to the plate and takes a chance on herself. The antidote to fear is taking a chance on yourself and seeking like -minded people with whom to move forward. Silence only increases your feelings of frustration and hopelessness. Join organizations like MoveOn.Org in their action to help get us out of this very unhealthy relationship.

Holiday Love

A Christmas/Kwanzaa holiday note

Style: "Agfa"

Walking through the mall this afternoon, there were alot of men wandering around, looking a little glassy-eyed.  Most of them looked  to be between 32 and 48 years old and they looked tired. Some of them were in work clothes. They looked lost. One man approached me holding a very tall pair of women’s boots in his hands. “Will these work? Do you think my wife might like these? They look pretty good, huh?” The man was short. I asked him, “Does she have really long legs? Because if she doesn’t, those might not work.” “Oh”, he said, “This is too hard. I’ll just give her the money and she’ll have to pick her own boots.” (How easily we are discouraged.)

Christmas is supposed to be fun

Love is a gift you can give for free. We shouldn’t feel that love will be rejected or deemed false if it is not accompanied by an adequate gift. After all, most men hate shopping. It seems to be a little overwhelming for them, if not in the decision-making, then in the range of prices and sizes. Some folks make up a very specific gift list (not a bad idea, except it seems like you’re putting in an order).  The really detailed folks send a text or email with  mistake-free links to accomplish the ordering and shipping. Some folks want it fancy wrapped. Some folks just want your clearly spoken words of love. And that’s a good thing because I think what I saw in some men’s eyes reminded me of what I see when folks start talking about their student loan debt: Fear.  Remember, unless you’ve been skipping out on the basics despite having the ability to provide, no gift can replace real love. If that’s all you really have, give that. Be open and honest and if your partner is worthy of you, that’s what they will give back. But if you have a few bucks, most will probably appreciate a gift card.

Crucial Factors in Mother Driving her Children into the Ocean

What would make a young mother want to kill her children? That was the big question when this near tragic event first occurred. There were rumors that there had been domestic violence, that for some reasons she didn’t want her husband near her children. More recent reports from CNN state that Ebony Wilkerson had suffered a number of traumatic events, and all at the time that she was going through the major emotional and physical changes that pregnancy causes many women.

#1. Ms. Wilkerson had reportedly been raped prior to becoming suicidal, while she was pregnant.

#2. Ms.  Wilkerson had been the victim of domestic abuse. Her sister reported that the violent husband had held a knife to her throat when she attempted to help her sister whom he had attempted to strangle.

Black women who had their partners arrested for domestic violence were 98% more likely to die early from other causes

Date:
March 2, 2014
Source:
University of Cambridge
Summary:
Researchers followed up on a landmark domestic violence arrest experiment and found that African-American victims who had partners arrested rather than warned were twice as likely to die young.

University of Cambridge

Mandatory arrest in domestic violence calls is associated with early death in victims

New, and seemingly surprising, research from a major ‘randomised’ arrest experiment 23 years ago finds that domestic violence victims whose partners were arrested on misdemeanor charges – mostly without causing injury – were 64% more likely to have died early, from other causes, compared to victims whose partners were warned but not removed by police.

Among African-American victims, arrest increased early mortality by a staggering 98% – as opposed to white victims, whose mortality was increased from arrest by just 9%. The research also found that employed victims suffered the worst effects of their partners’ arrests. Black women with jobs whose partners were arrested  suffered a death rate over four times higher than those whose partner received a warning at the scene. No such link was found in white victims.

The study’s authors say that causes are currently unknown but such health impacts are consistent with chronic stress that could have been amplified by partner arrest. They call for a “robust review” of US and UK mandatory arrest policies in domestic violence cases.

“It remains to be seen whether democracies can accept these facts as they are, rather than as we might wish them to be,” said Professor Lawrence Sherman from Cambridge University’s Institute of Criminology, who authored the study with his colleague Heather M. Harris from University of Maryland.

The findings were announced in the US on Monday 3rd March in Milwaukee and College Park, Maryland, and presented on Wednesday in London at the winter meeting of the Society of Evidence-Based Policing. Milwaukee Police Chief Edward Flynn, who supported the follow-up study, will join in the presentation and discussion of the results. The study will be published in a forthcoming edition of the Journal of Experimental Criminology.